You Tell Me Often
by Ginny Perry
Summary: N's past takes a toll on even the simplest things in his relationship with Black. Isshushipping and Harmoniashipping. Rape implications, abuse, general N insanity.


This site fucked up the formatting. Thanks a lot. The impact was stronger with the right formatting.

I'd _really_ suggest going and reading this on my deviantart (username: ginnyperry) where it looks correct.

Typical Ginny warnings. Take heed.

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><p>Black wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer until I could feel his heart beating against my chest. I heard him sigh and knew he was smiling; something about the way he breathed was happy, the short breaths, air dissipated by the curl of his upper lip... or maybe it was just how snugly he clung to me. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. All I knew was that he was holding me tightly as if I'd drift away. <em>Tha-thump... tha-thump... tha-thump...<em>

He's so calm. I wish it was contagious. I wish this could calm me, too. Make me feel closer to him, physically and mentally and... I don't know, more in "love" but I...

I can't grasp the concept; no one can ever give me a straight answer as to what "love" is. And yet, I hear the word tossed around by everyone I know, using it in different ways, ways I don't understand. Is it love? Are you _in _love? Have you _made _love? What... what does it even _mean?_

_You'll know_, they say. But, but I don't! I don't understand! Anthea and Concordia never said it, even when tending to me and feeding me and giving me attention that Ghetsis didn't, and... Ghetsis only...

_"God, I love the way you tighten against my cock..."_

A gasp caught in my throat and I felt like I was choking. I have to hold my breath, now... hold it, don't let him know there's something wrong. Black is so _happy_! Don't ruin it with this! Don't be ungrateful!

_"Don't be ungrateful, you worthless-"_

I screamed. No, no, I screamed! I ruined this! Black pulled away, saying my name softly, but it was like I couldn't hear it. It was so distant, so far away from... my... my head, ohh god, this _pain_...! I... I can't... thi... nk...

_Daddy yanked on my arm, hard enough to rip it off. He's so angry, he's so angry, he's so angry_

_"Do you think I _want _to punish you, N?" Ohh god, no, I know you don't, I'm sorry I'm so bad, I was only trying to "Do you think that lowly of your father?"_

_I can't make words... they won't... they can't come out of my throat, ohh god I can't even _breathe _I'm so scared, I didn't mean to_

_My face, my cheek, it hurts so much...! Ohh god daddy, why are you...! I can't... my head... you've... hit me too much I... can't... see... an.. y..._

"N!" Black screamed at me as I unconsciously fell off the bed, my head smashing hard against the floor and putting me in nearly the same daze as then, that time, that time when-

His hand touched my shoulder

_just like daddy grabbed my shoulder and pinned me there as... as... I couldn't... get away from him... why would he...?_

_No no no he doesn't want to do this, I deserve this and that is why he's doing this, no one would _want _to hurt their child, that's what he said but_

_Ohh god._

_Ohh god, no... no, please..._

_Please, daddy, not that, no...!_

_No, I... I don't want that, I don't, I can't, I... please!_

_PLEASE!_

_OHPLEASEPLEASEDADDYNO!_

I'm screaming now, I know I'm screaming, and I can't stop. I can't stop _wailing _as Black pulls away from me, concern and fear and confusion written all over his face for the brief moment I'm conscious of what's going on. He's not touching me, but somehow I can _feel _it, I _feel hands on me, nails digging, holding me down as..._

_I'm being torn in half. There is no other way to describe this pain. It's not just in my backside, it's rippling through me like fire, singeing every nerve and muscle and fiber in my body until it's just all-consuming. I can't breathe again; breathing hurts. My lungs ache with every ragged breath, so I hold it. Hold it and try to ignore it, but... but I'm... I'm being torn apart from the inside...!_

_He's laughing. Daddy's laughing as he pulls out of me, allowing one brief moment of solace before tearing into me again, sending jolts of unbearable agony up my spine and screaming into my brain. _

_Why... is he laughing...?_

"N! What is wrong? Please, tell me what's wrong!" Black sounds so alarmed... _god_, I've ruined it. I've ruined this bond between us. All he did was try to show me some sort of affection and _this _happens... can I... ask for forgiveness...?

_"Daddy...!" I manage to squeak through an untouched yet swollen throat, threatening to close up at any second... maybe I could choke and pass out and this would be over and I can- "I'm... so-rry...!"_

_Rage looms in the air as he thrusts into me faster... this... pain I..._

"N, is it..."

_"Do not use such an informal title, you worthless wretch." I felt a hand weave through my hair and grip tightly, pulling my limp head up to look directly into his eyes through my own half-open ones, numbness beginning to settle, such beautiful, welcomed numbness... "You are to address me properly. Do you not know you are to call me..."_

**Ghetsis?**

I'm. I'm going numb, now. How bittersweet. So needed, and so pitiful that it has to come to this.

I... can barely feel touches. They do not register. My vision is darker, now. My senses are dulling. Sweet, sweet dullness.

Words register. I can still hear them, faintly. Distantly. A bit unclear, but discernable.

"N, you know I love you."

_"N, you know I love you."_

Yes, I know. You tell me often.

I just wish I understood more clearly.


End file.
